TAKE AWAY CHILD
BY
JACKIE SERFONTEIN
They say the eyes are the window to your soul.
Now meet my TAKE AWAY CHILD: DIVAN CONRAD SERFONTEIN BORN 14TH
August 1997 PASSED AWAY 14TH December 2011 AT THE YOUNG AGE OF 14.
NAMED AFTER THE SPRINGBOK RUGBY PLAYER DIVAN SERFONTEIN
INTRODUCTION
At first, my intention was to write a story about my son’s life and our family living with a
handicapped child. Funny how life happened and the synopses of the story
changed to the loss of a child. The fact of life is that many people out there do
not know what to say to someone who lost a child. Many people walk around with
the idea that losing a child is like losing a mother, father, wife son, or
husband, and let me share with you that is the worst assumption you can ever
make.
Just like life comes along with no manual, how to deal with
grieve is the same. I dedicate this book to every parent who lost a child and
who will be walking this very breaking path. This is how I feel about the matter
of grieve and please always remember that every person feels different. I have
searched and read many other parents' blogs, and posts and I have compiled a
best-case scenario about the do’s and don’ts when you have a friend or family
member who lost a child.
To my fellow moms and dads who were faced with the heartbreaking fact of losing a child, there is a GOLDEN
RULE I want to share with you when it comes to you and dealing with the loss
of your child. I want you to keep the following words close to your heart and never
forget them:
There is NO rule when
it comes to you and how you should deal with the loss of a child. There is no
amount of time you need to heal and there is not one single word that one a person can speak that will make you better. There is no instant fix in your
situation and even though most of us end up on anti-depression the known fact
is that when the medication wears off, your child is still dead and your heart
is still broken.
There is however a TITANIUM
RULE for someone that wants to support someone who lost a child. The secret
is to know that be honest with your friend, simply say sorry I just don’t have
words for you. Your friend will appreciate your honesty more than you will ever
know. You must believe me that for some of us it is just nice to be alone and
for some of us you're being a friend just by sitting in a room with us. You don’t
need to say a word even if the silence kills you just knowing you're there for us
is more than what we need. But I will cover that in more detail in the book.
This book is done in loving memory of my late son Divan
Serfontein my Miracle Child.
You will always live on in our hearts and in the amazing
memories, we cherish of you. We thank technology for allowing us to capture many
of those moments.
A special word of thanks to Alyson Trent from Kentucky for allowing
me to use a lot of her words in the book. She has an amazing way with words. Alyson
Trent has the most amazing way of putting our feelings on paper.
You granted
me the wish of a child, for a small, while I thought it is a quick nine months
and then a great Take Away home of a Child. A child that will hold my hand,
look me in the eyes and make me feel like a super mom. Never did I think for
one moment that not all was well with my Take Away Child. I ended up Taking
Away from a special Child. My Take Away child required extra love. Got Taken Away to
doctors a lot. Got Taken to the hospital a lot and back. Then came a time to take
my Take Away Child and place my child on the Feet of Jesus. This Take Away The child needed prayers and special love. But this Take-Away child also took my
heart away. The love of a Take-Away Child can take your breath away. The
wonderful gift of God to be in such an Honourable place and be granted the gift
of a Take-Away Child. My Take Away child took away my inpatients and thought me
how to be patient. My Take Away Child Took away my disbelief and showed me the
road to love and know Jesus in such a way that no one else does. But then came
the day that God decided to Take Away my child. Taking my child away, took my
heart away, took my breath away, and took a very special part of me away. But
along came God and showed me that my Take Away Child was never mine to keep,
but just placed on earth for a small time to share with us, the value of a
child. Psalm 127, says a child is a gift from God. I say to you, Take That Away
and you truly see the value of that gift. Now Take Away That, it’s a Fact.
This is a
notice to you. A Notice to tell you shedding a tear will not kill you. Shedding
a tear is a way of releasing the pain, anger, happiness, sadness, joy, and love
you feel. Shedding a tear is true notification, that you have loved, that you
have lost that your human! Don't try to be a SUPERHERO, because guess what:
even SUPER Hero's shed a tear.
The level of the pain never really gets any better. You simply learn to live on with this pain.
Some days are better than others. You see the thing is, that God grants the
gift of life. He grants it and He wants you as a parent to love your child
unconditionally. If you hurt and find it bad to stop crying it meant that you honored
God’s gift. Let know person tell you, your child can not find rest while you
cry. That is nonsense. God wants you to cry. He wants you to acknowledge the
love and loss of your suffering. It shows you’re a true parent.
When you lose
a child there are so many instant changes in your life. In you as a person, in
your life. I thought now I will share some of that with you. Initially, you start
with denial. It is almost as if you cannot believe that this has happened to you.
For me, it is almost three years now 2014 and it still feels as unreal as the
day it happened. Then comes the anger. You’re angry with just about everyone
and everything. It is almost like you push away people and you don't even know you’re
doing it. Then your friends talk around your child. As if it is not ok to talk
about him. Come on people it is not like 14 years never happened. Talk to me
about him, sometimes it hurts, but most of the time it helps in the healing
process. Then, never tell me it gets better, it does not. You simply live with
your newfound pain. Like it is part of you. Don't ever think if there are more
children that they will fill the void because nothing will ever fill the void.
Biggest no, never tell n parent if they don't stop mourning the child cannot
rest. Nonsense, God intended for me to love my child, and if I did the way God
intended I will mourn my child for years to still come. The fact is we all have
different pain barriers and we all have different ways of dealing with our
issues.
What seems
small to you can be huge to me. The biggest word of advice I can give is, never
ever say I know how you feel, the fact is you don't. It is not the norm of life
for a parent to bury a child. We are not put on this earth to do that, but
sometimes God has plans with us and that is why He allows our lives to follow
that journey. Some days I cannot get myself to get out of bed. It feels like I cannot
breathe. Then come to the words, he is better off and pain-free. Please don't
tell me that, I know that. I raised my child, I know he is a Christian, I know
by Jesus he is no longer handicapped. The thing is I miss him, I want him by
me. Allow me to adjust to him being gone. It takes time, allow me the time.
On a visit to my doctor
a week after my child passed away he shared a story with my husband. One that
will carry me through for the rest of my life. You see my husband could not
come to terms with the fact that our child has gone to be with Jesus, and he
wanted to take his own life as he felt that his reason for living was gone.
The doctor looked at my
husband and started telling him about one of his patients that lost 3
daughters.
He said you see doctor, I
lost my youngest daughter to cancer when she was very young. Then my second
daughter died in a car accident a few years later. Within a matter of months
from the loss of the second daughter, my 3rd daughter fell ill and I decided to
go on my knees and pray to God.
I said God how can you
do this to me? Have I not suffered enough pain? Now you want to take my last
daughter from me. And then in prayer, God replied to him by asking him this 3
questions:
1 Who loves your daughter most?
To witch the man
answered: YOU GOD
Then God asked
2 Who can take the best care of our daughter?
To witch the man
answered: YOU GOD
The last question God asked was
3 Where do you think your child belongs the most?
To witch the man answered;
WITH YOU GOD
A parent who lost a child
can count on their hands the number of sentences they do not want to hear from
people. Many people don’t know what to say about a parent who lost a child or
how to act. I have decided to write this book including the things Not to say
with the end product to be the first-ever manual on how to deal with someone
who lost a child. Because losing a child is the worst form of grieve the same
principles can be applied in losing any loved one. Remembering that a brother,
sister, uncle aunt no matter who, at the end of the day a parent out there lost
a child.
There are a few statements out there pre-seeded by the public to be the
correct phrases to use around a grieving parent but felt it necessary to
expose how wrong they are. The fact is you might have the best intentions but the
words coming from your mouth are like a knife in our hearts.
|
This is what I got to see when I woke up for 14 years. That is why I have decided
to share words you should actually not be sharing with a parent who lost a
child.
|
This
is what I got to see when I woke up for 14 years. That is why I have decided to share words you
should actually not be sharing with a parent who lost a
I will
be listing a long list of things not to
say to a parent in grieve. Then we will go on to share some things you can say
to a grieving parent:
·
Time heals all wounds.
Time does not
heal all wounds. Time does however teach you how to live with grief and make it
a little more bearable. The fact is that even if you preserve time healed one
person’s wounds you’re so far gone from the facts. A parent that loses a child
will never heal, there no amount of time that can heal a heartbroken with the
loss of a child. The fact is there are just some wounds that would never heal. The
only person who would ever dear have these words come out his mouth is someone
who has never lost a child. Time waits for no one person it is here now and
gone in seconds. Time teaches us a lot yes. It teaches us to live with the
pain. It teaches us that time is pretty much in control.
·
Let’s move on / let go
You need to move on and let go can probably
be the worst on my list. By saying this you’re let making it so much worse. I
just lost my child now you want me to let go of my grief, my memories, and all
that is so dear to me. Do you really think if I let go I will just wake up and
live like nothing happened? Moving forward it the only thing a parent can do
that lost a child. I would rather you move out of my life than tell me to move on
with my life. I gave birth to you, I loved cared, and nurtured you, and you
were, are and always will be my life. What I will not have a problem of letting
go is so-called friends telling me to let go. If you’re a friend you will
understand why I can just not let go. Don’t you think it is sad to see how life
just goes on and other people have the ability to just move on and not grieve
like we do? Just being alive here no matter how much I hurt is me moving on.
But one thing you can know for sure is that I will grieve. I will do this on my
time even if it takes me the rest of my life.
·
Everything happens for a reason / It was his time to go / we all have
our time to go
Not true, sometimes things just
happen that is cruel. For 14 years I wondered what would happen to my son the
day I die. Who would care for him? Even though it is a certainty that we all
die and that handicapped children die earlier is a parent prepared to bury a
child. How many people take into consideration
to take out funeral cover for their 14-year-old child? I bet you until today
you have not put any thought into it. Well, imagine one day that you still have
to face that.
·
At Least.
At least, at least what! What can at
least be better or less bad than losing a child? Here today is gone tomorrow. NOTHING
can be at least better than what just happened to me.
·
Be thankful.
Be thankful for what? Right now I don’t have the
courage to be thankful for anything. I am hurting. The most amazing gift I received
was taken from me. Grabbed and I am left feeling that I cannot breathe. Right now that is not important to me. And what do I have to be thankful
for now? Remember materialistic things are not important in life. When you die
that grave is just that big. Nothing goes with. Yes, I am thankful that my other
children are healthy and living but I am not thankful that they are also hurting
so much right now.
·
I know how you feel
How
could you ever know how I feel? Not even a parent that lost a child can say
that to the next parent. The fact is that we all grieve differently. Every single
human being has a different pain thresh hold. So no I don’t know how the next
parent feels as I too am broken. How can you ever know how I feel? My life as I
know it just ended and I have to keep on living without the one person who gave
me a reason to live. We all have different levels of pain thrush and yours
might not be the same as mine.
·
It’s part of Gods plan
What plan? I was never told of a plan that my child
will die before me. Yes as faithful Christian we all know that with God all
things are possible. But that is His plan, not mine. It does not mean that
because I am a Christian I will just know the day my child dies that this was
all just planned. You just told the parent of a dead
child that God planned the death of their child. That God meant for it to
happen, wanted it to happen, and in fact, arranged events so that it would be
sure to happen. This is not comforting. We all know it and nothing
gives you the right to remind me of that now. I knew God's plan the day my child was
born. I knew my child was only a gift from God for us to share for a while. In
my case more especially because my son was born handicapped. I was told at
birth he would not make it. Then every day we thought it was today and the day
it came it almost killed me inside. It does not matter how much you try and
prepare for God's plan. When God's divine plan happens it is when we least expect
it.
·
He is in a better place now
We
know that. We are the parent who cared, loved, and nurtured him. No one knows that by Jesus one
is at a better place now, and right now you have no reason to remind me of it.
I am hurting in my heart here by me is the better place. You just told the parent of a dead child that there is a
place better for them than the home that sheltered them and the family that
cherished them. That the child truly belongs somewhere other than with
the people who loved them most. Don’t do that!
·
It is time to get on with your life
Getting
on is not part of the grieving process. For a parent that lost a child moving
on can also feel like forgetting. It is also much easier said than done. One cannot
rush grieve. A grieving parent needs all the time he or she needs to deal with
this pain.
·
Don’t try and tell us what we should or what we
one will do
Wait for us to be ready to put thought into what we want to
do. Right now we don’t even feel like living.
·
At least he/she wasn’t older – it would
have been so much harder”
You have to be kidding me. I was
looking forward in a lifetime of memories to
Really? How is that you would think that would be the case. I lost my
hopes, dreams, and be made. I am robbed of that. You cannot comprehend how if
feels.
Whether he was one week or 14 years old. How old he was would not have
mend that I would have loved and treasured him any less.
·
“I know how you feel, my cat/dog passed
away.”
Go away and stop talking. This was actually said to me and I know quite
a lot of parents who have had their baby's deaths compared to the loss of a
pet. Sorry, no. Just no. I can’t say that enough and cannot believe it even
needs to be said. I love animals. I have pets. I have lost pets. And I buried
my child. It’s not the same. It is not even comparable. I don’t care how much
you love your pet, it is nothing, NOTHING even close to losing a child. Quite
honestly and bluntly, losing a child isn’t comparable to any other sort of
loss, and I have had some major losses in my life. Planning a funeral for my 14
year-old son was a sort of pain that a human should have to go through and
hearing someone compare that to the loss of a cat/dog, is just insulting.
·
“He was disabled, you had 14 years,
sometimes nature knows what it’s doing”
Maybe something is wrong with you. Thanks for insulting my child in my
time of grief and shock. Much appreciated. And I wouldn’t have cared if
anything was “wrong” with them, anything is better than dead. 14 years is not
enough for me, I wanted a lifetime.
·
It is easier for fathers
And you know this how? Whatever made you think that! Don’t for a second
think just because fathers did not carry the child for months they don’t bond.
Fathers bond just like mothers and can hurt even more. Fathers are your child’s
hero. He is the safety figure in the
family. When fathers are around kids feel secured. Fathers automatically at the
birth of your child get that appointment. They have to be strong no matter
what because that is what is expected of them. But know this father doesn’t
grief easier.
·
“I can’t believe you are managing to go on…if I
had to bury my child I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed!”
Have you? Have you actually buried
one of your babies? No? Then don’t tell me what you would do, you haven’t been
through this and have no idea how you would react. I have living children, I
don’t have a choice. I have to get up and go on. Lying in bed and being
miserable is just not an option. And I am already judging myself for getting up
and continuing to live, I don’t need the additional guilt. And do you really
think lying in bed makes you feel any better? The same thing was said to me
when my handicapped son was born. Your strong, I would not be able to do it.
Reality check I have no choice I have to do it. In a perfect world, time will
stand still and give one the chance to work through the feelings. Note to self,
this is NOT a perfect world.
·
“You
can always have another!”
Having one more child will not be an instant fix for the one I just
lost. For many parents, it is an option too. Have more children, but never a fix
for losing a child. Get real what are you thinking! NOTHING, will ever, replace
or be the same as the baby we lost. There is also no guarantee that having
another child that nothing can happen to that child. There is just no fix for
the loss of a child.
·
“God needed another angel in Heaven.”
You just told the parent of a dead child that their loved
one is gone because an all-powerful deity took their child away from them, on
purpose, for its needs, not caring what it did to them. Any parent would want
their angel by them. Parents also need their children just as much as God needs
them. In time a parent will deal with this and you have no right to stick it to
them. Remembering that God also sends his angel to me to love, care, and then I
mean to love unconditionally. Many parents receive the gift of life, I received
the best gift ever. A handicapped child. I had to choose what to do and I chose
to fight. I chose to love him no matter what. God trusted His angel with me and
I made sure that I gave God a reason to trust me with this gift. Through the
eyes of my handicapped child, I learned the value of time and love. The value of
friends, truth, trust, and honesty. I have made mistakes but most of all I have
learned. I lost my child, I knew he is in Heaven and I knew from the start he
was my angel on earth.
·
“How are you doing?”
How do you think the parent of a dead child is doing
Better would be “I’ve been thinking about you” or even “I’ve been worried
about how you’re doing”. No matter how easy it feels to ask a parent of a child
who died how you’re doing JUST DON’T ASK. You should know this person is doing
really badly.
·
“Now they’re watching over you.”
You just reminded the parents of a dead child that for all
their care and efforts, they could not protect their loved one from untimely
death, which is pretty much the most basic responsibility a parent feels.
Furthermore, it is the job (some would say calling, others would say privilege)
of parents to watch over and protect their children, not the other way
around. Telling them that this arrangement has now been inverted does not
help. We know this, saying this is making small talk. Silence works better.
·
“Everything happens for a reason.”
You just implied that the child is dead because something
their parents did result in the death. That wasn’t the intent, but it’s
still in there, easily picked up on by parents racked with overwhelming regret
and, very possibly, guilt. (Even parents who did everything they could in
a no-win situation are likely to feel guilt that they didn’t do more or
couldn’t find a way out.)
·
“Maybe it’s for the best.” He is not suffering
any more
You just told the parent of a dead child that it's better
their child is dead than still alive. No. Just no. Another way of
thinking about is, perhaps my son was not suffering and did you ever think
even though from time to time he was sick at least he was living. Living his
life to the best of his ability.
·
"Cheer up.
Your (loved one who died) wouldn't want you to be sad."
After my son died, people told me that my son would hate to see me carrying around such pain and that, to honor his memory, I should stop being sad. It's true that I can't think of a single time when my son said to me, "I see that you're super sad, and I think that's awesome!" Sure, my son liked to see me happy, but for a period of time, after he died, I simply couldn't be happy. When you love deeply, you grieve deeply. Grievers need to be sad in order to get to the other side of grief. Furthermore, if you actually knew my son you would know how much I loved him and you would understand the extent of my grief.
After my son died, people told me that my son would hate to see me carrying around such pain and that, to honor his memory, I should stop being sad. It's true that I can't think of a single time when my son said to me, "I see that you're super sad, and I think that's awesome!" Sure, my son liked to see me happy, but for a period of time, after he died, I simply couldn't be happy. When you love deeply, you grieve deeply. Grievers need to be sad in order to get to the other side of grief. Furthermore, if you actually knew my son you would know how much I loved him and you would understand the extent of my grief.
·
"Focus on all
the blessings in your life."
While this message is optimistic and
all, it's not really what a grieving person wants to hear when his world has just
been shattered. I mean, I get that it's better to concentrate on the positive
than the negative. Nevertheless, even if a griever appreciates the good things
in his life, that doesn't change the fact that he's reeling from a monumental
loss. Therefore, when someone is newly grieving, he likely won't feel like
yelling from the rooftop, "Hey,
look at lucky me!"
·
"She's/he's in
a better place."
Yeah, maybe. Heaven is, after all, supposed to be pretty spectacular. But here's the problem: if my son is there, he can't be here. And I want him here. Call me selfish, but I want him here beside me, holding my hand, offering advice, giggling, singing, and doing that humming/whistle thing that only he could do.
And although I do believe that I'll
be reunited with him in Heaven, unfortunately, that reunion requires that I die
first. I have to say, that bums me out.
·
"It's been
awhile since he/she died. It's time you get over it."
You know how a week zips by in the blink of an eye for you whereas a week, from a toddler's perspective, feels like an eternity? That's kind of how grief time works. It's skewed. A grieving person can look at a calendar and see that "X" amount of time has passed since their loved one died, but time is irrelevant when it comes to healing a broken heart.
You can't put a timetable on grief,
and if you struggle to comprehend that notion, well, then clearly you have not
yet mourned the death of someone close. When you do, you'll understand and then
feel ridiculous for ever having suggested that anyone should hurry up and
"get over" losing someone special.
·
"Cherish all
of the wonderful memories. They will bring you peace."
I think this statement is true, in time. But the last thing a newly grieving person wants to hear is to cherish the memories. When their heart is hurting and their mind is spinning and their faith is broken, thinking about old memories gut them because the only thing they want to do is create new memories, which they can no longer do.
·
"Pull yourself
together because you need to be there for your kids."
Grief, in its initial stages, is the emotional equivalent to having major surgery. The person is fragile and needs to heal. Following surgery, health care professionals will advise the patient to take it easy and focus on herself. No one would expect the patient to hop down off of the operating table after undergoing heart surgery so that she can fix her kid's dinner. So please don't make a grieving parent feel even worse by suggesting that she's neglecting her children due to her grief. That's just cruel. Grief affects every aspect of someone's physical and emotional health. It interferes with one's ability to sleep, eat, concentrate, and function. Therefore, no one has the right to ask another person to swallow her pain in order to focus on others. Doing so only prolongs grief. In the face of tragedy and grief, it’s hard to know what to say or do. And one thing I’ve noticed is that some people—not most, maybe even not many, but more than enough—say and do what they think would help them, without really considering what might be helpful to the person who’s grieving.
I don’t really want to get into the doing side of things at this the point, but I can definitely talk about the saying.
The most basic rule is: don’t
let your discomfort with tragedy and grief push you into saying whatever comes
to mind. Saying nothing says more
than you would ever know.
The second most basic rule is: don’t assume that a grieving person believes what you
believe, or even that they believe what they believed before the tragedy.
They may surprise or even shock you.
As a last note, be careful about what terminology you use
regarding death. Some parents won’t want to say or hear that word,
preferring instead phrases like “passed away” or “passed on”. Others
actually find phrases like “passed away” or “lost” to be more
painful. Again, take your cues from the griever. If possible, don’t
use any death-related terminology until they do, and then use the words they
do.
Think hard about what will help them
rather than what will soothe you; do not contradict expressions of grief even
when they conflict with your beliefs. And be prepared for just about anything.
When
someone close to you dies, your world is torn apart. As a result, you're as
fragile as tissue paper, feeling as if the slightest breeze might shred you
completely. Well-meaning friends may try to console you, but many of them
wonder what to say.
"What
if I blurt out something stupid?" they wonder. "What if I say
something that makes her cry?" I'll admit that before I experienced grief
first hand, I, too, was at a loss for words. Now that I've been on both sides,
I'd like to offer a few suggestions for what not to say to a newly grieving
person.
LET ME SHOW YOU HOW FAST MY LIFE HAS GONE FROM BEING GRATEFUL TO SUPER SAD.
The last photo was taken of my son the day before he went brain dead. He has some sunburn as we sat
outside.
From this to 60 minutes later this
This
is what I get to see now when I wake up in the morning. An empty bed and this
huge emptiness in my life
What undertakers
don’t tell you is to take along a sign to mark your new grave. Naturally South
Africa works differently than other countries. So a special friend had to rush
and make us a temporary sign.
Last week I read a quote
that sums up this one quite nicely: “Before you tell a grieving parent to
be grateful for the children they have, think about which one of yours you
could live without.”
Things you could say to a
grieving parent.
·
“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
You’ve let them know you feel sorrow for them, are thinking
about them, and are generally there in support of them. It seems like a
lot for so little a sentence, but it's all there. I think this is just
about the most universally acceptable thing you can say to a grieving parent,
and it also has the benefit of being the most appropriate thing to say.
Be prepared for them to say “me too” or something like that;
otherwise, they’ll probably thank you. Do not tell them that no thanks are necessary. Let them
acknowledge your care and support in what is likely the only way they can
manage, with the only words they can find. This leads us to the next
thing you can fairly safely say. Most important of all is to mean the words I am
sorry for your loss.
·
“There are no words.”
Because after expressing your sorrow, there really aren’t.
There are no words that can explain it, no words that can make it better, and
no words that can take away their anguish. I doubt there ever will be.
All right, so what do you not say to a grieving parent? Honestly, we could be here all
day with that, but I’ll skip over the ones that are obviously Just Wrong and
address some of the most common ones that seem to pass by without
comment. And yes, I’ve had all of them said, tweeted, or Face booked at
me, or at least very near me.
Of course, all of these are dependent on the parent in
question. If they say their child is in a better place now, you can
absolutely agree with them.
In fact, you should agree with them, or at least refrain from disagreement,
regardless of whatever you personally believe.
Because that’s what you do if a
grieving parent expresses a belief you don’t hold: You agree
with them. Now is not the time to be undermining whatever framework
is holding them together; they have little enough of that as it is. If
you’re religious and a non-religious parent says that their loved one is gone
forever, not existing at all, you go along with it. If you’re
non-religious and a grieving religious parent says their loved one is in a
better place, in the arms of God, you go along with it. This is about
them, not you!
·
"I can't
imagine what you're going through right now."
I would encourage you to do just that. Stop and think about how you would feel if you were faced with the griever's circumstances. Consider their feelings. Contemplate their pain. Imagine their struggle. Doing so will spark empathy in you. And empathy is the best thing you can offer someone who is hurting because when you empathize, the right words come more freely.
·
Is there anything in your day to day tasks that I
can assist by doing for you?
Just taking
out the trash or washing, the dishes can help. Helping with the burden will for
sure not be part of carrying your pain, it can mean helping financially,
helping with thank you notes or much more. Just make it clear when you’re
asking you’re willing to assist with tasks that is possible for you to do.
·
Ask
your friend to tell you how he or she feels.
Tell her you
know they are hurting but because you don’t understand their pain you don’t know
how they feel. Sometimes saying you’re angry and disappointed out loud is all
that is needed to comfort your friend for that moment. Most people will reply by saying they feel dead on the inside.
- “I am so sorry, no parent should ever lose their child
With this statement you simply
re-enforcing t at losing a child is not meant for any mother or father.
·
“I am so sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
With these words, you’re just re
assuring the mother that it’s not like you don’t care or don’t want to say something,
it is just honestly that you know what to say.
·
“I am so sorry, I have no idea what you are going through right now.”
It better to say this rather than say
some silly thing and hurt your friend even more.
·
“I am so sorry. You must miss
him.”
This is reassuring your mom that you know there is an emptiness in her
life now.
·
“You and your
husband must be in so much pain. I am so sorry for your loss.”
A father hurts as
much as a mother. The same can be said for brothers and sisters. Naturally, right now I don’t want to touch the friends of the brothers and sisters. My
opinion of friends of youth who lost a sibling is they are all heartless
idiots. My son passed away on the 14th of December and the friends were
more concerned about parties and drinking. Forgetting that yes it might be that
time of year yes, but forgetting this friend just lost a brother. Yes, I know
the youth handle and work through it differently but respecting a family in
mourning is very important.
·
“How you are doing other than really hurting very bad
Considering your loss and that you’re
not doing well I just want to know how you’re acutely handling each day. I know
you feel really bad but I would like to understand how I can assist you?” Just
asking how you’re doing is stupid because you’re asking it to a parent who just
lost a child. By emphasizing what you mean in detail with the question, you're
acknowledging that you know it is going badly. But your intention is to know
that your friend or family member who lost a child you’re just wanting to know
other than your hurting how are you doing otherwise! An easy way to state is as
follows: my dear friend/family I know your feeling really bad and broken, but
other than that how are you doing otherwise? Is there something I can do for
you like to make food, laundry or just finish some work that needs to be done that
you don’t have the strength to do right now.
·
“I haven’t had a chance to see all
his pictures…
Looking
at pictures can be hard, but pictures are a form of memory. A parent that lost a
child will look at pictures as it is one way of reminding them that it really happened.
Losing a child brings the biggest form of disbelief. It is so sore it feels
unreal.
·
I would love to see them when you
are up for it.”
Tell your friend you’re keen to see
pictures of his or her late child when they are ready.
·
“He was
such a beautiful child.”
Remember not talking about him, will
not make me feel better. It is not like the last 14 years of my life have not
happened. At first, it will not be easy but with the reality of dealing with it,
it will become possible to talk and look at pictures that bring joy and hurt
to my heart but can still put a smile on my face.
My
Picture Perfect Boy
Now that I have covered a lot about
what to say and not to say when a parent has lost a child it is just fit to
share some of my personal story with you. You see in 1997 I was just the
average pregnant mom. Super Excited about the new bundle of joy that would be
sharing our lives with us. Not knowing that.
On my 21st week check-up, my life would change forever. Before Divan was
born I had a perfect 5-year-old boy and a 2-year-old daughter. So wish for any
gender as long as my child was healthy I would be. After a busy day at work, one
night decided to pay a visit to the gynecologist. My gut told me something is not
ok. That was the day I learned a mother's gut is NEVER wrong. My gynecologist
at that time did not see it necessary to do a check-up scan. However, on my
demand, he referred me to the nearest hospital for a scan. I was there till just
before 6 from 4 in the afternoon. Being asked the most questions ever and got re-directed
straight back to my dr. Upon walking into his rooms he just said I am having a
water head. That is a common term used in South Africa for a child with
hydrocephalus (water on the brain). Not thinking to ask me to sit down, not
telling me to come back with my husband or not thinking I still needed to drive
my car home. When I eventually got home in tears and shared the news with my
family not a single person could believe the news I brought home. Never the
less hubby and I went for a second opinion the next day and that was confirmed.
The prognosis’s for a child that
will be born with hydrocephalus is not so good. I was told my child would not
be able to do anything for himself. He would just die eventually and he would
not get very old. Living in SA and in a small City Port Elizabeth on the East
Coast of South Africa was not nice. I could not find one person that could tell
me what was install for me. I was told I could aborting is not an option due to
the fact that I was 21months along already.
3 years ago I would have told you
receiving that news was the saddest day of my life. Now I can promise you
receiving that news was nothing in comparison to what happened to me 14 years
later.
I made the decision if this is the
path I need to walk I will equip myself and I will put my heart and soul into
making it. I will not be able to do miracles but I can just try my best. I
changed doctors and my new doctor monitored my pregnancy with so much love. I
was on a weekly check-up basis. However a on my 8th month of
pregnancy it became necessary for my son to be delivered via C section because
the water on his brain was building up and if we waited it could really damage
is brain more than ever. My doctor sat down with us and said that we must
expect the worse and that my son would most probably not make it at birth. We
signed non-resuscitation documentation because I believed if it was God's choice
for him to live it will be God that grants him life. I would like to share the
events around his direct birth with you but I have to be honest since his
passing my memory is not what it used to be.
Divan
was 7 hours old and underwent brain surgery. He had a VP Shunt inserted by Dr. G
P Greeff and at the same time had his Spina-Bifida repaired. For those of you
who do not know what it is, do yourself a favor and Google it. (A shunt is a
pipe that gets planted in your brain to drain extra fluid from your brain in
your stomach. This meant from the brain, the tube runs down your neck under
your skin to your stomach.)
Divan remained in the New Natal Icu
for 2 weeks and was then found fit to come home. On the same day he gets to go
home, Divan
had this shunt in for 2 weeks when it blocked and was removed. That lasted for an entire day and we
had to rush him back to the hospital because his brain fluids were leaking out onto
his pillow. Not to worry it is nothing discussing even though it is not a nice
experience I have to share it looks like plain water. A
month later Dr. Greeff inserted a new Shunt, which only worked for 2 months and
was blocked again.
This time they only opened
his stomach and cleaned the blocking so that it can work again.) This only
worked good for 4 months and blocked so a second VP Shunt was placed in Divan’s
brain. And yes this one only lasted for 6 months and then had to be replaced
again. Then Divan hat to hernias repaired. He had his tonsils removed (bearing
in mind we need to do this because the slightest infection raised a fit)
This is the view of
Divans back at the age of 14. Just show you can see the major back surgery he
had at only 7 hours old.
3 days old here. His
head was covered by the staff for this picture.
Here he was just over
one month old. The picture is not a clear indication of his head though. And I
have to also share this and one other picture is the only times he ever cried!
A very short version of Divan’s Life
Divan was born on the 14th
of August 1997 at St Georges Hospital. I can proudly say my gynecologist that
took over from the one who did not notice my child is handicapped on 27th
week was Carus Ferreira. (Truly the best ever) For obvious reasons I will not
mention who was my initial gynecologist. My Child's pediatrician is Dr. Dave
Purchase and he was there with us since day one. My general practitioner Dr
Cilliers Swart was also with us on this very day.
My general practitioner
still to the day believes that my son was saved by God, as we initially did not
think he made it alive, but yes his little life started out by fighting.
Not many people know how
one’s life changes by having a special needs child. These children can go from
healthy to critically in seconds. The thing is that God always gives me the
strength to handle it, but I am also human, and some days found it very hard to
handle it when Divan was so sick. Accept
for the big things that happen many other small things also come into the
picture. He gets catheterized 3 times a day. He is wheelchair-bound. He is
mentally and physically handicapped, BUT despite all of this, he stands up with
a BIG smile every morning.
This is what I got to see every morning he
Our children are not ours
but are simply borrowed to us for as long as God allows them. Many a time I feel
like giving up, then comes this big smile and I think who am I to give up if
my child still has the power to fight.
We just love our little angels!
The early days were the
hardest because having a handicapped child does not come with a manual on what
to do, so we had to learn along the way. If I have to sit here and tell you how
many times my little boy was critically ill the book will never have an end.
However, I got to share my most amazing story on his official page now called In
Loving memory of Divan Serfontein Miracle Child. People easily fell in love
with Divan and his Facebook page became a place for us to find friends who
prayed with us during the difficult times. Divan was allergic to all the
medication supplied by the government hospitals and his biggest allergy was
that of Latex. All the medical expenses soon took their toll on our finances.
Selling everything we have to give our boy the best care and help out there was
worth it and if I had to do it again I will do it in a flash. I would actually
not have my life any different.
At first, a person’s first
reaction is why did this happen to me. And years later I now ask you why Not
me? Having a special needs child has an impact on the entire family. Divan has
a brother and a sister and at the age of only 10, Divan's Brother Owen could
characterize him if needed. As any nurse
or doctor out there, that is not easy and you have to clean and scrub so well.
A person would think that Divan got all the attention but it was hard on us
because you are always scared that your two normal children can also get hurt.
One would think I am proud of is that we lived the fullest life with Divan. No matter
how sick he got at times if mom and dad felt like they just can go any more
one only needed to give him one look and he smiled at us and it made our lives
worth living again.
So I told you in the
beginning that we were warned that he would not make birth so we lived our
lives thinking every time he got ill today is the day we lose him. God gave us
an amazing gift. Every night I went to bed I thanked God for yet one more day
with him. The same thing in the morning, thank You, God, for yet one more
night. There are so many amazing things
that came with this. We learned the value of life, health, love, and happiness.
At one stage the dr. said Divan would never see and can’t hear and I can
promise you he could hear and see just great. In our family, we could not plan
anything in advance. We had to simply wake up every morning and first see what
Divan’s health is doing.
I am not going to cover
the years but I will share that not living long soon turned into one year, two
years, 5 years, ten years, and before we know Divan was turning an amazing 14
years. Do not think for one second the year’s in-between was easy.
Many times we rushed a
very ill child to the hospital and thought today is the day. And amazing as
children is, just hours later they are up and smiling and then you think how I
could have thought this would happen. Then one day comes where you think you're
taking your child to a doctor because he is just a little off. Not for one
second did it cross my mind that today might be the day. It feels like the 12th
of December 2011 was just yesterday. I phoned our local ambulance service to
take my son to the hospital because I felt he is not breathing well. It all started
at 15H00 in the afternoon and it ended up being the longest 3 days of my life.
As n norm, I am so used to never leaving my son's side but what life had installed
for me was just not something I was prepared for. The doctor at casualties gave
my son valium inter vain, and she never told me. I only ended up seeing it 2
weeks after his passing. The insert says when giving valium inter vain, monitor
for repertory arrest. Never the less the doctor never monitored and just moved
my son to the ward. Upon arrival at the ward, he went into repertory arrest and
was incubated. (Here he went brain dead but we were not told immediately) and
due to an ongoing investigation, this is what I can share. However, the next day
tests were done and we were not told much. At 10:30 the night of the 13th
of December we were told our son was brain dead. The morning of the 14th
of December when our pediatrician did his rounds we asked what the process was
going forward. He explained to us that they are giving my son medication that
is creating blood pressure and that they simply turn the medication down.
With that said then I had to make the most difficult decisions I would ever
make in my entire life. I knew that if we keep him on a ventilator his organs
would give in one by one. We could see it as in the last 24 hours his vitals
dropped and dropped. Then we told the doctor he needs to do what needs to be
done. They turned the medication down to 1% and almost instantly my son had no
blood pressure.
My son sadly lived an hour
and twenty minutes long with no blood pressure and passed away at 8:20 on the
morning of the 14th of December 2014. Born on the 14th of
August 1997 and the young age of 14. I have always known every single day was
just a gift. But I feel it is not anyone’s place to remind me of that! Don’t
you think that I have been doing that myself for 14 years, 5110 days, 122640 hours, 7358400 minutes! Honestly, do you really think you need to remind me
of it? Let me be frank with you, as a loving mother 14 years is just not
enough. My son was laid to rest on the 16th of December 2011. It has
been the hardest 3 years of my life!
It is just not easy and
time does not make it better. So please don’t say time will heal all wounds.
There are some wounds that will just not heal, no matter how much time passes.
However, time does teach you as a parent the art of living with this huge pain.
You would think that that
is the full extent of what a parent goes through when they lose a child, but
believe me, it is not the end. In the days to come, I had to deal with my body
going into a sugar shock. My sugar kept on falling and I have never had any
sugar-related problems. Then came the body spasms. I could not use my arms for
about 3 months. Could not even pick up a piece of paper.
I am sure most of those
who are reading this book have had the loss of a loved one at some point in
time. Ever wondered why you’re not dreaming about the person you loved? Well
for months I did not dream about my child. I truly could not understand that as
I often had dreams of him. But in true style, I learned why. Because that night
it actually happens after months of not dreaming and you wake up and realize it
was never a dream he has really passed away your body goes in to shock all over
again as if you're reliving it, all over again. As if that was not enough I also
had to deal with the worst form of loafers ever! You see my son was in a wheelchair. He was not even dead for a week and the Facebook inboxes started coming
in. My mother needs a wheelchair, where can I buy one like yours or can I buy
yours. Then you lay in bed and the tears are still running and you take all the
time to message them where they can buy a chair. Only a week passes and the same person asks
if you have considered selling the chair yet. So tell me how I will be changing
my mind whiles my son is not dead yet for one month but you the vulture want
me to just say ag here he is dead have his chair. I am a parent in mourning I
am not an idiot. Don’t think for one second I cannot see through you! If you
wanted to buy a chair you could have done so long ago. Build a bridge and get
over it now, it is not a grandparent or just a normal family member who passed
away. I lost a child. I have 6 boxes that make up 14 years of his life and 3
wheelchairs. At least wait for me to start healing and wait for me to decide
if I do have the courage to part with the chair. I have seen my son in it for
years and you want to rob me of it. It has been 3 years for us now and we are
not ready yet to part with anything. I have an urge in wondering if the next
person would love and appreciate the clothes or toys the way my child has?
Almost all his stuff is still brand new. And a fact is every single item has a
story. News flash that is all I have.
On a more positive note,
my son changed and touched the lives of every single person he met along the
way. He was a mini-celebrity in our city and people knew him all over the world
via his Facebook page. Christians all over the world prayed for us when he was
ill and smiled with us when I posted pictures of him smiling. The most amazing
fact is that on the day of his passing people all recalled his smile. To
date still, the post how they miss his amazing smile.
The same smile I could
look at when I was at my lowest low brought me up and gave me courage
again. The strength to keep ongoing. I can say without a doubt you have not
loved until you have loved a special needs child, the fact is that you have not
hurt until you have lost a child. They say the first cut is the deepest, and
when it comes to the loss of the child the first cut is something I do not wish
upon my worst enemy.
I have seen many parents
lose children at a young age and they were lucky enough to conceive quickly
again. Yes, I am sure the new sound of titter patter on the floor made them very
happy but I know that it will never fill the gap and pain in their hearts. One
cannot undo or re-do a child.
I think it is also
important to cover the sending of BBM broadcasts about children. It happened to
us and it happens to many others. The so-called carers, I call them sensation
seekers. Sending messages please pray for baby, or little XYZ. These messages
circulating years later still make their way to the child’s parents. The same said
to the same posts on Facebook. You need not send any messages via BBM, WhatsApp, or Facebook in support of a family facing this. Rather just go on your
knees and pray for us. You don’t need to tell the world we have your support. I
will go one step further and say, if you want to do the above, please confirm
the facts first before sending. Don’t just get on the band wagon and re-share
because silly little friend xxx send it to you. You will not know the state of
heart or mind the family is in when they see it. Sending a message where the
child has passed away longer than a year in support of him/her being sick is
just not nice.
With that said the day my
son passed away I had hundreds of posts on my Facebook, his age, and our family
pages. I took the time and read them all and it really did touch my heart as
each person sympathized with us. It was so very clear who knew him well as they
could recall his smile so well.
While my son was passing away his sister sat next to
his bed holding her hand. Here is a peek in her Facebook for that morning. Many
times during grieve we tend to be self-indulged with the loss that we forget we
are not hurting alone. You see losing a child does not come with a user manual.
That is what I want to perceive with this book. I want to share with grieving parents
they are not alone, but I also want to guide people who sometimes say just the
wrong things and I want to say it's ok to those who don’t know what to say.
Sune
Serfontein
Watching
my lil brother breathing his last few air out as the doctors are busy putting
the machine out.. I'm so sad but at the same time my heart is filled with joy
that my brother can no longer have any pain, Thanking God for the most amazing
person I have ever known in my life and for the 14 amazing years that we
shared, who could make me smile by just holding my hand.Who gave me reason to
wake-up everyday with a smile. You may be lost,but will never be forgotten. Divan'kie
ek weet jys nou by Ouma en Oupa en
dat jy op die goue paaie van die Hemel hardloop.Jy is een amazing mensie en my
beste friend en al wat ek vir God kan se is DANKIE vir die voorreg om jou
suster te kon wees ek sal ALTYD bitter bja Lief vir jou wees! Van nytjie
To
truly just start to understand the path a parent walks with a sick child I have
included a list of Divan’s hospital stay for you. Now imagine his mom never
leaving his side.
Let me share with you how many days
my son was in hospital in his lifetime. Take note of the stays is not long but
for infection control and the fact that Divan was highly latex allergic, we
always needed to get him home ASAP. Our house had everything we needed to give
him good medical backup care including oxygen. During these days Divan never
spends one night alone at the hospital. His mother gladly spends the night on a
chair next to his bed.
Date
Admitted
|
procedure
|
Amount
of days in the hospital.
|
Hospital
|
|
14/08/1997 - 24/08/1997
|
Birth, VP shunt, repair mylemonencloceal
|
11
|
St Georges hospital
|
|
10/09/1998 – 11/09/1998
|
SHUNT INSERTION
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
23/09/1998 – 29/09/1998
|
REVISION BILATERAL VENTRI
|
7
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
02/01/1999 – 03/01/1999
|
CONVULSIONS
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
16/03/1999 – 20/03/1999
|
OBSERVATION – CHEST PROBLEM
|
5
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
13/05/1999 – 13/05/1999
|
CASUALTY – TIGHT CHEST
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
05/11/1999 – 10/11/1999
|
ARTHROGRAM – LEFT HIP
|
6
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
05/01/2000 – 05/01/2000
|
ALLERGIC REACTION
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
09/01/2000 – 09/01/2000
|
INFECTION
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
30/04/2000 – 03/05/2000
|
CONVULSIONS
|
4
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
23/05/2000 – 24/05/2000
|
CONVULSIONS
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
26/05/2000 – 27/05/2000
|
LUNG / CHEST INFECTION
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
15/08/2000 – 16/08/2000
|
OBSERVATION
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
23/09/2000 – 23/09/2000
|
CONVULSIONS
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
06/10/2000 – 07/10/2000
|
FEVER
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
02/01/2001 – 04/01/2001
|
GASTRO ENTERITIS
|
3
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
06/02/2001 - 06/02/2001
|
Trauma admission convulsion
|
2
|
St Georges Hospital
|
|
22/02/2001 – 22/02/2001
|
TONSILLECTOMY
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
02/04/2001 – 03/04/2001
|
CONVULSION
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
09/05/2001 – 10/05/2001
|
LUNG / CHEST INFECTION
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
26/07/2001 – 26/07/2001
|
CASUALTY (CHESTY)
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
09/08/2001 – 12/08/2001
|
PYREXIA (FEVER)
|
4
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
06/08/2001 – 08/08/2001
|
OBSERVATION (FEVER AND CONVULSIONS)
|
3
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
06/09/2001 – 07/09/2001
|
CONVULSIONS
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
18/09/2001 – 21/09/2001
|
CYSTOSCOPY / CIRCUMCISION
|
4
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
11/09/2001 – 15/09/2001
|
CONVULSIONS
|
5
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
10/12/2001 – 10/12/2001
|
RINE RETENTION (CASUALTY)
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
03/02/2002 – 05/02/2002
|
CONVULSIONS
|
3
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
28/03/2002 – 28/03/2002
|
CASUALTY
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
24/04/2002 – 25/04/2002
|
CONVULSIONS
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
29/06/2003 – 29/06/2003
|
FRACTURE LEFT FEMUR
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
07/02/2004 - 08/02/2004
|
Gerile Convulsions
|
2
|
St Georges
|
|
26082005 - 27082005
|
Convulsions - high care
|
2
|
Mercantile Hospital
|
|
10/07/2006 – 10/07/2006
|
SEIZURES
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
23/08/2006 – 23/08/2006
|
ABDOMINAL PAIN
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
14/10/2007 – 17/10/2007
|
CYSTOSCOPY
|
4
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
30/09/2008
|
URINARY INFECTION
|
4
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
07/10/2008 – 07/10/2008
|
CYSTOSCOPY / BLADDER WASHOUT
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
26/10/2008 – 31/10/2008
|
FEVER
|
6
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
16/11/2008 – 18/11/2008
|
SEIZURES
|
3
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
10/02/2009 - 11/02/2009
|
URINARY INFECTION
|
2
|
St Georges
|
|
19/01/2009 – 23/01/2009
|
URINARY INFECTION
|
5
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
03/02/2009 – 09/02/2009
|
SEIZURES
|
7
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
27/02/2009
|
EPILEPSY
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
16/03/2009 – 18/03/2009
|
CONVULSIONS
|
3
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
21/07/2009 - 21/07/2009
|
Haematuria
|
2
|
St Georges
|
|
20/01/2010 – 23/01/2010
|
EPILEPSY
|
4
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
27/05/2010 – 27/05/2010
|
INJURY RIGHT LEG
|
2
|
Greenacres Hospital
|
|
27/05/2010 - 02/06/2010
|
Multiple fractures femur
|
6
|
St Georges
|
|
21/06/2010 - 29/06/2010
|
convulsion - complications internal pros/implants
|
9
|
St Georges
|
|
23/08/2010 - 26/08/2010
|
Epilepsy / convulsions
|
4
|
St Georges
|
|
13/10/2010 - 16/10/2010
|
Epilepsy / convulsions
|
4
|
St Georges
|
|
29/10/2010 - 01/11/2010
|
Epilepsy / convulsions
|
5
|
St Georges
|
|
06/11/2010 - 06/11/2010
|
Trauma admission
|
2
|
St Georges
|
|
19/11/2010 -19/11/2010
|
Trauma admission
|
2
|
St Georges
|
|
10/1/2011 - 12/01/2011
|
Epilepsy / convulsions
|
3
|
St Georges
|
|
12/06/2011 - 12/01/2011
|
acute pharyngitis
|
2
|
St Georges
|
|
24/06/2011 - 24/06/2011
|
Trauma admission fever
|
2
|
St Georges
|
|
12/12/2011 - 14/12/2011
|
Multiple convulsions / deceased / Respiratory arrest
|
3
|
St Georges
|
|
days in hospital
|
191
|
MY SUPER HERO MEETS HIS
Divan meets Cindy
Nell Roberts Miss SA 2002
Divan Lorna Rosetti Potgieter Miss SA 1984
Divan Meets Nicole Flint Miss SA 2010
In August
2011 Divan meets the springbok mascot Bokkie just 3 month before he passes away
In August
2011 Divan meets the springbok ruby players Morne Steyn and Percy Montgomery.
In August
2011 Divan meets his ultimate Springbok Hero Schalk Burger. The main reason for
saying this is that Divan could call him on the name. And he could should skop
very well. Wish you all could see how Schalk turned and talked to Divan like he
was just a normal 14 year old boy. I will keep this with me for the rest of my
life and for that I have the utmost respect for Schalk!
In December
2010 running up to a golf day Divan met old springbok rugby players Danie
Gerber, Anton Barnard, De Wet Barry
With
that shared, I need to say that all these guys play for different provincial
teams but at the end of the day Divan did not really know when they lost or
win. He was the ultimate ruby supporter because he shouted for the boys come
win or lose. Mom and Divan Shouted for
the Local Boys called the Sharks and Dad and Divan shouted for the team called
the Blue Bulls as that is dads team. Naturally Divan got buried in his Blue
Bulls outfit taking along with him letters from his family members. And His
little toy the Bokkie mascot and his Springbok ball.
Here
I want to tell you all about the Reach for a Dream Foundation. They do dreams
for critically ill children. And this is us at the Port Elizabeth airport with
Inge from Reach for a Dream Port Elizabeth boarding our plain to Pretoria.
Divan got to see the Pretoria Zoo, the Union Buildings, The Monument in
Pretoria and some of the major shopping centres in Pretoria. The aim was to
meet up so Divan could meet his grandfather but we had to skip that. We started
with drinks at a place called Moyo’s and this is the picture I will share with
you I think it says more than words could ever.
Meet
the Family Dad Marius and mom Jacky. Sune suster and Owen the brother. This was
Divan last birthday on earth with us. On the 14th of August he
turned 14 years old. Never thinking just 3 month later he would be taken away.
That
in shorts friends, strangers that is why I am sharing my feelings and words
with you. Now you have a small idea of what I am missing, and perhaps now you
will understand why a friend a family member who lost a child seems to look
cross for the entire world. They are just hurting more than what you can ever
understand. They need your patients and all the time the world has to offer. And I am warning you that a time will come
that you will really feel the need to tell them you have had enough time to get
over this now. That is the time when you must remember my story and what I have
written here. I want you to always remember a parent who loved dearly grieves
dearly. You’re welcome to visit the Facebook page Divan Serfontein Miracle
Child. There you can see all the photos as he loved to share his smile with the
world. This is me wising you all the happiness of every single tear a parent in
mourning cries, and saying thank you for reading our special story.
Time heal the wounds?
I am adding
this extension to my book on the 2nd of November 2016. It has almost
been 5 years since my boy has gone to be with Jesus. There is no doubt in my
mind that time has no ability to heal wounds. The heart and mind learns to cope
and live with the pain but the wound is pretty much as raw as the day it
happened. I have learned to control my anger when people say the wrong things
and have decided to rather help them right. Perhaps next time they will think
for a few seconds longer about the impact of words. Even though I can forgive
easily once words have been said it cannot be taken back. We moved to Cape Town
about 16 months ago. It saddens that we cannot do the weekly trips to the
cemetery any more, but the consolation that we have family there who knows our
longing and makes time to take flowers and visit his grave site. Mommy has been
to Port Elizabeth twice the last year and that was her fist stop. In my heart
of hearts I know it’s only his remains that is left there and even though it is
important for us to visit it, we know we carry Divan in our hearts.
We only did
the tomb stone in December of 2015 and that was not easy. How do you choose the
words you place on your son’s final resting place? I will translate the words
for my English readers: For the world you were our son, for us you were the
word.
That one sentence took me
an entire day. I cried for hours. The picture is from the first week it went on
and soon a small little rugby ball will come up on the right of it. That was my
boy’s favorite smiling time. I look at
the pain and violence in the world and acknowledge for every person dyeing
there is a new parent hurting. It truly is the type of pain one would never
wish upon someone. The truest fact of all is, that each and every one of us is
born a Take Away Child. For some it was today and for others it will be
tomorrow, sad, scary but very true.
Our culture refrain from
talking about death, its bad luck when it is the truest reality out there. It
happens and it happens to the good and bad people. For me it was a child, for
you it might be a husband, wife, mother, father or friend. The saddest thing of
all is how the world just goes on forgetting so easily of the tiny soft prints
a loved one left for us.
Time heal the wounds? – I THINK NOT
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